COMMUNITY 101 - Part 4 Extended Notes

Worth The Fight
Community 101 – Part 4
Extended Message Notes from August 29, 2010


Special Acknowledgement: I want to acknowledge John Ortberg and an insightful chapter titled, “Community is Worth Fighting For” in his excellent book, “Everybody’s Normal Till You Get To Know Them” for providing the framework and many of the insights contained in this message.


Acts 2:42-47 (NIV), They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.


Examples of Conflict in the 1st Century Church:

• Acts 5 – Ananias and Sapphira

• Acts 6 – Greek-speaking believers / Hebrew-speaking believers

• Acts 15 – Conflict regarding Gentiles who are converting to the faith. Demands that these Gentiles follow the Jewish rite of circumcision…

• Acts 15:36-40 – Conflict between Paul and Barnabas


Matthew 18:15-17 (NLT), If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

Matthew 18:15-17 (NIV), If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.


Six Steps for Resolving Conflict

1. Acknowledge it. Conflict is part of what it means to be alive.

Matthew 18:15 (NIV), If your brother sins against you…

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.” ~ Max Lucado


2. Take responsibility for it.

Matthew 18:15 (NIV), If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault…


Matthew 5:23-24 (NLT), So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24 leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.


Two Primary Barriers:
• Pride
• Fear


3. Approach, don’t avoid, the person you’re experiencing conflict with.

Matthew 18:15 (NIV), If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault…

“Anger produces what might be called the Jim Carrey effect: As you get mad and madder, you get dumb and dumber…” ~ John Ortberg

Proverbs 29:11 (NIV), A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.


Two Questions To Ask:

• Why am I angry?

Anger is not a primary emotion, it is a secondary emotion usually created by one of three things: 1) fear, 2) frustration and/or, 3) hurt.

• What do I want?

Ephesians 4:26 (ESV), Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger…


4. Keep it personal. Resist the urge to needlessly involve others in the conflict.

Matthew 18:15 (NIV), If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.

Proverbs 25:9 (NCV), If you have an argument with your neighbor, don’t tell other people what was said.

Philippians 4:2-3 (NLT), Now I appeal to Euodia and Syntyche. Please, because you belong to the Lord, settle your disagreement. 3 And I ask you, my true partner, to help these two women, for they worked hard with me in telling others the Good News. They worked along with Clement and the rest of my co-workers, whose names are written in the Book of Life.


5. Display wisdom and tact, but don’t beat around the bush. Get to “the last ten percent.”

Matthew 18:15 (NIV), If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.

Ephesians 4:15 (ESV), …speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,


A General Framework for saying "the Last 10 Percent:"

• Describe clearly what the problem is... Describe what you observed: “You didn’t appear to be listening…”

• Share how it hurt you: “It just feels like what I have to say doesn’t matter to you…”

• Tell them what the consequences to the relationship have been: “This is probably the reason I feel distant from you…”

• Ask for the change you would like to see: “I want to connect and communicate when we’re together…”


6. Keep the ultimate goal clearly in view: reconciliation.

Matthew 18:15-17 (NLT), If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.

John 17:20-23 (NLT), I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. My prayer for all of them is that they will be one, just as you and I are one, Father—that just as you are in me and I am in you, so they will be in us, and the world will believe you sent me.
22 "I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. 23 I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.